Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Back in the rabbit hole, I am.




I can relate to this vid a lot right now. And most days for the past four months in fact. I've always had it in the back of my mind that this person and I wouldn't work out. But I seriously thought that I was just being petty, or that I had perhaps gone mad. Well, considering I already am, I thought that my situation was simply just getting more depraved. I mean, how else could I explain that my sweet sweet joy had just suddenly grown cold, notably right after I began showing him exactly how much I adored him. Suddenly my words didn't matter anymore and it was as if I had turned into a warty rhinoceros. If anything my kindness seemed to make him resent me more. But I was so happy. He was very attentive at first. Now talking to him felt like having a conversation with a pet stone. I knew that this person was perhaps troubled so I allowed excuse after excuse. Blamed it on his childhood and earlier relationship woes. But a pattern started to become painfully clear. The less I showed him love, the more available he was for me, and the more I show him how much I cared, the less he thought of doing the simplest things. Like, I don't know, maybe text me something more than "I'm going to bed," once in a while? Seriously I have tried. And now it is time to give up. The most painful, recent thing, was when this person didn't even consider spending time with me on his birthday. He'd rather be drinking with a friend, blaming a hangover for why he pretended I didn't exist the following day. Then the day after the next, his beloved cat died and he was so tragically upset that texting took the effort of all the greek Lords. I had to finally make up his mind. Hopefully, I can make mine up too, and stick to it this time. But now I back in the rabbit hole I thought I could escape with a bit of love. The sad sad state of despair most people blame this four letter word on to begin with. Maybe it is true, that we all need love to be happy. Is there ever a greater or matching feeling? Oh, I just don't know what to do!

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